


Of Trust and Slow Realisations

by eternalmurasaki (hontou_ni_fxxk_desu)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 12:16:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11668947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hontou_ni_fxxk_desu/pseuds/eternalmurasaki
Summary: When had watching Erwin for orders turned into... just watching? He's not exactly sure... because all these things he notices feel familiar. Like his brain had already subconsciously stored those images away during the years they've spent working together.Or, how Levi comes to terms with his feelings for Erwin Smith.





	Of Trust and Slow Realisations

Levi notices things. Dishonest eyes twitching. Uneven breathing due to escalating stress. He's learnt to be attentive to the smallest signs - surviving in the Underground is easier when you can foresee your enemies' next moves and guess their emotions.

Levi has been watching Erwin from the first day they met. At first to keep an eye out for the slightest sign of weakness, to look out for the best moment to attack. Also to make sure no one unexpectedly attacked him, or his friends.

These days, it's different. Learning to read his commander's body language helps Levi guess Erwin's needs on the field - before he even has to shout an order. Orders still come, for him, for the others. But Levi is always the quickest to read the situation.  
If Erwin notices it, he doesn't say anything about it. Not on the field, when all his energy is dedicated to fighting, to avoiding pointless casualties.

 

Today has been one of the bad days, with too many deaths that haunt Erwin more than he lets anyone think.  
Levi's not here to judge. He trusts Erwin's to do what's best with the available ressources.

Outside the walls, his face morphs into that of a terrifying commander as he bellows orders. To outsiders, he looks like a monster sacrificing too many lives for an unlikely greater good. But the Survey Corps believe in him, and the soldiers who have known him long enough know he wouldn't take any unnecessary risks. The Squad Leaders are familiar with his human side - and Levi more so than any others.

Night has fallen and they're all still caked in mud and blood, but Erwin summons them for an urgent debrief. Adrenaline is still high enough that Levi agrees to follow, despite how disgusting he feels. If Erwin says it can't wait, then it can't wait.

The commander invites them to take a seat in his office but remains standing. He looks out the window as they sit down - the squad leaders don't notice the way his gaze looks empty and helpless. They don't notice the way his shoulders sag just for an instant before they straighten again. The way he blinks and seems to pull himself together just before turning back towards them. It happens so quickly that to anyone's eyes but Levi's, Erwin hasn't shown a single sign of weakness. Erwin usually never lets his body betray him - but today is an exception.

The commander's voice is low, measured. Levi lets it wash over him, it's grounding, calming after the expedition's chaos. Calming after the memories of screams and pain.

Erwin gives them instructions, answers a few questions and wishes them a peaceful night - despite knowing that most soldiers will be plagued by nightmares.

As soon as they are dismissed, Levi wants to rush to the shared bathrooms, but as the last squad leader leaves, he notices the way Erwin's shoulders ever-so-slightly drop again. Funny that the citizens don't see that he's human too. That he may need words of comfort too.

"Do you wish to tell me something, Levi?

Levi snaps out of his thoughts.  
He's lingered on the doorstep for too long.

"No," he says, more defensively than he intended to.

Erwin gives him a tired smile. 

"Come over for dinner when you're done washing," he says.

Levi nods curtly and leaves.

***

The next morning, Erwin's cracks are nowhere in sight. He's back to being everyone's flawless commander. He hasn't lost hope and somehow manages to transfer some of his remaining enthusiasm to the troops.

Levi sure admires his ability to find the right words even in desperate situations. However, it's not his words that make him follow him with such dedication. It's rather a gut feeling that he's doing the right thing. That he was somehow meant to follow Erwin Smith. He's not entirely sure when the commander shifted from being someone he considered as an enemy to being someone whose judgement he trusts above anyone else's.

Maybe when he realised Erwin's speeches weren't just empty words. When he realised Erwin dedicated his heart and his life to his convictions. When he realised Erwin despised petty political games from the capital as much as he did.

Levi hadn't thought he'd live to find a purpose. He hadn't expected anyone to inspire him the way Erwin did...

But somehow, Erwin had achieved the unachievable.

***

Levi keeps an eye on the flares, but he also pays attention to any sign from his commander.  
Titans disrupt their formation, and soon, he has to abandon his mare to glide through the trees while their youngest recruit makes sure their horses don't get lost.

Jump. Propell. Cut.  
Blood. Screams. Steam.

One titan down, another one down seconds later.  
A female voice is screaming.  
There are at least two dismembered bodies on the forest floor.

Levi grits his teeth and moves on to the next attacker.  
No time to pause and think - his muscles start to ache but he goes on.

As soon as the last titan is down, he glides back to the ground. Several soldiers are hurt, but it looks like few have died this time. His eyes scan the regrouping troops, looking for blond hair.  
He needs to know what the new orders are. 

"Hanji? Have you seen Erwin?" he asks.

Hanji shrugs.  
Levi doesn't insist and helps tend to the survivors' wounds.

He hears other soldiers wondering where their commander is. A younger recruit reports that she saw him fighting in the forest but couldn't stay long enough to see the outcome. Just as Levi realises his pulse is quickening, Erwin's voice finally booms a few meters away. It's only when relief washes over him that Levi realises he'd been worried. It's unsettling. He's never worried about Erwin before. He dismisses thoughts that seem pointless and steps towards his commander.

***

That night, there's no debrief. Once the wounded are in good hands, Levi lets himself sink into a bathtub of hot water. Most of the corps has already gone to bed, so Levi has the bathroom to himself. He closes his eyes and lets his sore body relax. His thoughts decide to lead him back to the moment he spotted Erwin on the field at the end of the expedition. Messy hair, a smear of blood on his cheek.

Levi breathes deeply. After all this time in the corps, he's grown to form a bond of sorts with the other soldiers - especially the ones with whom he shares years of history. It's invisible, and he still snaps at them all, but it's there. Even though he seldom shows it, he's always glad when they survive an expedition.

Somehow, the relief he'd felt upon seeing Erwin standing had been different, this time.  
Part of him feels stupid for doubting that Erwin was fine, but the other part knows that life can swiftly be lost. It's not all about strength, and if Erwin had died without Levi having a chance to fight for his protection...

Levi frowns. He can't let himself waste energy over pointless worrying. Erwin wouldn't let himself get killed easily. He hasn't survived this many years in the corps for nothing.

His thoughts keep jostling his emotions one way or another. The truth is, the thought of fighting in the Survey Corps without Erwin leading it leaves Levi feeling empty. 

His mind supplies him with the memory of Erwin's private smile, back in his office. To the dinners they share after every expedition.  
Levi can't remember how or when they developped this habit - Erwin probably enjoys having a quiet companion to keep him company while he slowly unwinds from the day's intensity.  
His face is usually somber when they start, but by the end of the meal he seems to find some sort of peace of mind - and that's when his face softens and Levi sees his unguarded, relaxed side. Sometimes he stays somber and offers him a glass of whisky instead.

The captain shakes his head. He'd better hurry up if he doesn't want to be late for tonight's traditionnal dinner with his commander.

When he leaves the bathroom, he glances up at the sky. Constellations shine over him. Stars he'd never had the chance to see until he left Sina. He breathes in the night air and remembers how he used to hate Erwin with all his might - he'd needed to blame someone for the deaths of his friends.  
But now, as he walks to his office, all he feels is gratitude. He's grateful to be here. Grateful that Erwin has survived yet another expedition.

As he falls asleep that night, Levi absently lets his mind wander, mapping out all the details of Erwin's face - his intimidating commanding face... and his gentle smile. 

***

Levi notices all kinds of details. All of Erwin's facial expressions. The way a strand occasionally escapes his perfectly combed hair at the end of the day. When had watching Erwin for orders turned into... just watching? He's not exactly sure... because all these things he notices feel familiar. Like his brain had already subconsciously stored those images away during the years they've spent working together. 

Among all the things he notices, what Levi likes the most-

Liking is something new. At first Levi thinks there's something wrong with him. He hasn't felt that warmth in his chest since his last evening with Farlan and Isabel.  
But somehow things have come to this. He feels that fondness when Erwin's expression shifts from concentrated to warm and friendly. Like today, when the captain brings a cup of tea to his office.

"Thank you, Levi."

Erwin's chair squeaks as he gets up from his desk to fetch a book on his shelf. On his way back he stops and lays a hand on Levi's shoulder.

"Why don't you sit down and have some tea youself?"

Hands on shoulders.  
It's nothing new.  
What's new is Levi's pulse quickening and his awareness of how big and warm Erwin's hand is.  
His face betrays nothing of it.

He blinks.

"No thanks, I should get going."

Erwin nods, with a small understanding smile. He knows Levi is the solitary kind and that he keeps social interactions to the bare minimum.

"You have plans for tonight?" Erwin asks, and looks genuinely curious.

Levi looks for an excuse and says the first thing that comes to mind.

"Cleaning my room."

Erwin chuckles. The rich sound sends an unexpectedly nice feeling down Levi's spine. The short man grits his teeth... he's not supposed to react this way. Levi doesn't have crushes. He doesn't give a shit about handsome people. His bonds with his close ones go deeper than a pretty face and nice voice.  
He angrily ignores the fact that his awareness regarding Erwin's presence is only marginally due to the latter's looks. If his looks had caused this, it wouldn't have taken Levi so long to realise Erwin was... special to him. It had been a slow, very slow process. Levi didn't trust people overnight, as for him growing fond of someone... that was a matter of years.

"Of course," Erwin says, interrupting Levi's thoughts, "Well, have fun then, Levi."

***

The next expedition starts with a perfect weather and after a couple of hours' riding, it seems like this one will be uneventful and safe. The warm sun on their backs is reassuring after a couple of unexpectedly damp and cold days. Levi feels slightly hazy - spending the previous day out cleaning windows probably wasn't a good idea. But he's not ill - he can't be ill when his squad needs him. 

The beginning of the expedition is calm and uneventful. The sun on Levi's cloak and the soft breeze on his face actually help him feel better and almost make him forget the unpleasant fogginess in his mind.

Dark clouds make their appearance on the horizon just as they reach their destination - an old military base.  
Erwin asks them not to linger, to collect any supplies or documents they find and leave as soon as possible.

Just as they start to ride back, a few raindrops start to fall.  
Erwin frowns and orders everyone to quicken their pace.  
With their laden carts, they're slower than on their way there.  
A flash of lightning illuminates their path. Thunder rumbles only a few seconds later.  
Another flash. A quicker rumble.

The light rain grows thicker. Levi knows storms make expiditions particularly dangerous, since they make flare communication more difficult. Had Erwin known such dense rain would come up, he'd certainly have delayed their outing. As it is, he orders Levi and his squad to the back of the group, to make sure no one is left behind.

The abrupt change in temperature causes mist to rise from the ground.  
Less visibility - not exactly what they needed.

All they can do is hope that no titan will cross their way, and at first everything seems fine.

But soon, familiar heavy thumps boom behind them. Levi swears under his breath.

If he strains his ears, the heavy footsteps make it sound like there are only three or four titans behind them. He can handle them without slowing the rest of the squad, so he shouts instructions for them to move on while he kills the enemy - or at least delays them.

It quickly becomes clear one of the titans is an abnormal. Taking down a handful of titans is usually a piece of cake for Levi.  
Not this time, and not just because of the unpleasant throbbing in his head and his drenched clothes.

Once he's high above on the first titan's shoulders, he realises there are more dark shadows looming in the distance. He can't see clearly but given the shadow's sizes, they can only be more titans.

Levi grits his teeth and jumps to the next titan and swiftly cuts its neck. His foot slips on the third one and he catches himself just in time before he hits the ground.  
Damn weather.

He still thinks he could've managed, with a bigger gas supply. As it is, he's almost running out, and more titans are coming.

Levi glances back over his shoulder. He can't see or hear the expedition team anymore. Hopefully they are now far enough to get to safety before the new titans catch up with them.  
The latter haven't noticed Levi yet.  
He considers trying to confront them, then weighs his gas tank.  
It's too risky and Erwin would be mad if he found out Levi took unnecessary risks.  
So he whistles for his horse instead, and prepares to retreat.

Adrenaline helps him stay focussed as he speeds his horse forwards. He only allows himself to breathe once the heavy thumps become distant enough for him not to hear them anymore.

They can't be that far from the walls, but the ride feels like it's stretching out for hours on end.  
His head feels like it's about to explode, and it's taking all his energy to pay attention to the path his horse is taking.  
They're used to these expeditions, so it ought to know its way back... but it's always safer to keep an eye on it. Traumatized horses sometimes make unexpected moves.

It's still raining heavily, but if he squints, he thinks he spots a line ahead. The walls, finally.

Just as he breathes a sigh of relief, his sight blurs and a wave of nausea hits him.  
He blinks frantically and grips the reigns tighter.

His head spins and he leans closer to his horse's mane for more stability.

He has to hold on... he can't stop outside the walls if he doesn't want to die a stupid death.

He's pissed at his body for suddenly acting up like this.

His sight swims again, and everything becomes black.

***

When Levi regains consciousness, he's lying on something soft, warmly tucked under covers. He slowly tries to open his eyes but his eyelids feel so heavy that he closes them again. The room is dark. He shivers and tries to sleep.  
He slips back out of consciousness.

 

When he next opens his eyes, a candle is on the bedside table. He squints towards the side and realises Erwin is sitting next to the bed, watching him intently.

Erwin leans closer, a soft smile on his lips, but Levi can see that he's worried. He notices the way his fingers are nervously entertwined.

"How are you feeling, Levi?"

Levi parts his lips but no sound comes out. He's too exhausted and his throat is too dry. He closes his mouth and eyes again.

"It's okay, you don't have to talk. Rest."

The sound of his voice is low and relaxing. Levi could fall asleep to this... a soft bed, and Erwin's gentle voice. He'd usually reject any thoughts of comfort involving his commander, but right now he's too exhausted and queasy to care. He'll take all the comfort he can get.  
Erwin's hand lays on his forehead.

"You're burning," he whispers.

His palm is replaced by a cold humid cloth; it helps slightly lower his temperature. After a few minutes, Erwin drips the cloth back in cold water, wrings it, and lays it back on his forehead.

As his head slowly stops spinning, it gets easier for Levi to think, and he briefly wonders why it's Erwin taking care of him. He slowly reopens his eyes and finds that it's less of a struggle than before. His gaze meets Erwin's worried one. A small smile nonetheless still graces the commander's features.

"Feeling better?"

Levi blinks and barely moves, but Erwin doesn't miss his nod. The blond man removes the damp cloth and gently lays his palm on Levi's forehead again.

"Your fever seems to have gone down a little. But you still need to rest."

Levi hums. Talking is out of question.

"You did a great job out there," Erwin murmurs. "Thank you for keeping us safe."

 _It's nothing,_ Levi wants to say. After all, that's what he's here for. To fight.  
They stay quiet for a few moments.

At first, Levi thinks he's imagining it.  
But then Erwin's thumb gently brushes against his skin again.  
It feels nicer than a simple brush against his brow ought to.

Levi's eyes flutter closed, but he struggles to keep them open.  
He wants to stay awake, to keep feeling Erwin's gentle touch.

"I'm glad you're alright. I... we were worried when you didn't come back with the others," the commander murmurs.

The thought of Erwin worrying for him warms Levi's heart.

 

...How he wishes Erwin's hand would move from his forehead to cup his cheek. Maybe it's the exhaustion making him not even try to deny what he wants.

Instead, Erwin's fingers slide up to his hair to gently stroke it.

"You should sleep, Levi."

Levi blinks slowly and stares at him. Erwin is being so nice to him... affectionnate, even. 

Levi becomes aware of how dry his throat is and breaks the spell. His eyes shift to a glass of water on the bedside table, and he parts his lips to ask for it but only a soundless breath comes out.

Erwin notices.

"Let me help you," he says and moves closer to help him sit up.  
When Erwin lifts the covers, Levi feels the cold air against his sweaty shirt and almost regrets his request. Plus, his sticky shirt feels disgusting. It doesn't seem to bother Erwin, though.

Holding his shoulders up with one arm, Erwin pulls a few pillows up to make Levi more comfortable. He doesn't let him go, and brings the glass to Levi's lips with his free hand.

The latter is too overwhelmed by his treacherous heart fluttering to feel ashamed. He'll feel ashamed tomorrow, when Erwin and his fever are gone.  
For now, he sips the water and enjoy's the feeling of Erwin holding him.

Once the glass is empty, Erwin sets it back on the table.

"Do you want to lie back down?" he murmurs.

Levi pushes away the thought that he'd rather stay like this, with Erwin gently talking to him. Then he feels cold again due to his wet clothes and grimaces.

"I want to change," he croaks.

"Of course. Let me get you a nurse," Erwin says and gets up.

"No," Levi protests abruptly.

Erwin pauses. After a few silent thoughts, he hums in understanding.

"Fine, I'll get you some clean nightclothes."

As he watches Erwin's back retreating, Levi's heart hammers in his chest. His eyes linger on his wide shoulders, the curve of his back narrowing down to his waist.  
He doesn't usually think about physical intimacy. He's usually not that interested. Which is why it feels unsettling when it hits him, with more clarity than ever, how _much_ he wants Erwin.  
He wants... he wants... he wants him to hold him close again.

If he weren't sick, he'd be embarrassed and would avoid those mental images. As it is, he has no energy to fight his confusing thoughts tonight.  
There will be more than enough time to think tomorrow.

Moments later, Erwin is back with a plain long nightgown and a towel.

The tall man sits at his side and helps him out of his shirt.  
Levi tries to sit up, but pain throbs through his forehead and he ends up holding his face in his hands. Fucking fever.

He feels the soft towel brushing his skin.

"You don't usually-" Erwin seems to change his mind mid-sentence. "Let me know if you want me to leave you to yourself," he finally whispers as he gently dries the soldier's shoulders and spine, down to the small of his back.

Levi nods but doesn't say anything.

"Okay." Erwin says softly, and his voice is so relaxing it feels like a gentle lullaby. "I'm done with your back. You can lie back down."

Erwin slowly guides his shoulders back down against the pillows.  
Levi's head stops spinning. It's now just a dull ache. His bare skin feels hot against the sheets.  
He exhales and looks up at Erwin.

His commander smiles down at him.

"Your chest is already almost dry."

Levi thinks of his sweat and grimaces.

"You can have a bath tomorrow," Erwin adds, reading his thoughts.  
He gently dabs at his chest and stomach with the towel.

Levi then feels him pause.

"Levi?" 

It's not every day that the commander sounds unsure.

"Hm?"

"Do you want to get out of your pyjama pants too? Or do they feel dry enough?"

Sweaty clothes are disgusting.  
And, well. The thought of Erwin undressing him leaves him a little breathless, and as little aware of his surroundings as he is, it's enough to make his pulse quicken.

"Just get on with it," he mutters.

Erwin doesn't reply right away.

"Okay," he finally says, his deep voice anchoring Levi, reminding him that all this is real.  
Levi briefly wonders who changed him when he was unconscious, but then he feels Erwin's fingers tugging at the fabric and he can't think.

The coton is sliding, it's sliding, and then, he feels air against his skin.  
He looks up at his commander's face. Erwin is purposefully busying himself with the fresh nightgown, scrunching it up to make it easier to slip over Levi's head.

"Erwin?" Levi says.  
Their eyes meet and Levi's heart thumps louder than ever.  
He'd usually hate being exposed like this. But with Erwin it's different. With Erwin he just wants to give himself, body and soul.

He tries to sit up again, and Erwin rushes to his side.

"Don't tire yourself needlessly," he says, a steadying hand on his shoulder.

A quiet pause.  
Erwin's warm hand, still there.

The commander's gaze lingers on his face, searching.

"Levi..."

His hand shifts from his shoulder to forehead. How can someone feel so gentle just by checking his temperature.

If Levi was a regular person, who's had enough lovers to feel more self-confident about this, he'd grab Erwin's wrist and press his lips to it. He'd bring his hand against his skin. But Levi hasn't ever shared intimacy with anyone. It always felt pointless. Dirty.  
Now the thought of it is intoxicating, and he thinks he begins to understand. Nothing about wanting Erwin feels remotely dirty. It feels like a natural progression of his feelings, as if they were meant to come to this.

"Levi."

Levi realises he'd been lost in his thoughts. Erwin is now clasping his hand.

"Did you want to tell me something?" the tall man asks.

Levi has no idea what to say. Instead, he slowly closes his fingers around Erwin's.  
As he looks back up to him, he feels vulnerable, as if his thoughts were written all over his face.  
They probably are - he's not wearing his permanent scowl. He's just... staring.

"Okay," Erwin says with an encouraging smile. "Let's get you dressed before this cold gets any worse.

He helps Levi's back up and slides the night gown over his head. He holds Levi's hips just high enough to roll the gown down all the way.  
Before Erwin finishes tucking the covers back over him, Levi asks for a last sip of water. Once more, Erwin brings the glass to his lips. 

Levi is so exhausted he lays his head against the commander's shoulder.  
If Erwin is surprised, he doesn't show it. He adjusts his arm around Levi so that his position is more comfortable and the smaller man ends up with his head resting against Erwin's chest.

Levi faintly notices the beat of his commander's heart beneath his cheek.

"I'm very glad you're safe, Levi."  
It's a whisper so soft he barely hears it. Maybe he wasn't meant to hear it, but something warm and peaceful spreads in his chest.

As he falls back asleep, well-practised words drift through his mind.

_I offer you my heart._

***

**Author's Note:**

> I like to imagine Levi becoming aware of his feelings for Erwin and slowly opening up to him, I just had to try putting my thoughts in words.
> 
> I made myself post this tonight - if I don't post it I'll abandon it so here it is.  
> I hope some of you will enjoy it and I promise to post additional chapters.  
> Thanks for reading~!
> 
> ***
> 
> This is my first eruri fic and I'm rather frustrated with it... I struggle with writing in this universe, but I guess practising is the only way I'll improve.


End file.
